Time to Let Go

    The tears just kept rolling. No matter how hard she tried it was like a never ending flow of tears. It had been months. Nearly 7 months to be precise. Yet each day was the same. She woke up feeling purposeless and unloved. It wasn't because she didn't have love in her life. She did. She had her kids, her family, her friends. She even still had his love. It just wasn't the same. This was the worst heart break she had ever had. It wasn't like losing someone. She still had him. In fact, it would be easier if she could hate him. It would be easier if he hated her. That wasn't the way of it though. He still wanted her in the same way he had wanted her from the beginning. She wanted him even more than she thought she could ever want another person.
     Confidence. Self-love. Happiness. An open mind. An open heart. These were the things that made her who she was. The love she had for herself and for everyone around her. The way she used the pain to push forward and learn and grow. Now it all felt different. The Christmas movies that once filled her soul with spirit and hope, now seemed like lies and sadness. She had the love of her existence and life got in the way. He wasn't coming back. Not in the way they both wished he could. She wasn't going to change who she was either. Not in the way they both hoped she would.
     There was nothing more tragic than finding true love. Nothing more magical either. Nothing more exciting and real and hopeful. Nothing more despairing and painful. There would never be another him. There would never be another them. Their story was far from a tale as old as time and yet it was the only story she wanted to tell. A story of magic, love, pure joy, confusion, sadness and true heart break.
     She wondered if things could have been different. If their love could have conquered all if she had realized what she had before she lost it. The truth was, he was gone before he found her. He needed something more than she could give him. His demons were his to bear and he had to deal with them in whatever way made him feel whole. She just wished she could be that for him. His other half. The way he was for her. Those months that they didn't talk, it was as though a piece of her was missing. Yet when they did talk it left her feeling just as terribly. 
     It wasn't fair. How could she have finally, after everything, have found everything she ever wanted and needed only to have it ripped from her as though it was never hers to have. Was she cursed? Was she not meant to have the one and only thing she had ever prayed for her entire life? Every shooting star, every loose eye lash, every birthday candle, every prayer to God... she only ever asked for one thing. A true love. The kind that knew you better than you knew yourself. A kind of love that made the world around you stop. The kind of love that took your breath away. For a split second, she had it. Then it slipped through her fingers like the sand on the beach. As easily taken, as it was given. What had she done to deserve this?
     He wasn't ready to let go either. Those nights where he had one too many glasses of wine he would let his emotions show just enough to let her know that he was just as in love with her as she was with him. That she could not be easily forgotten. He had picked a ring. He wished he had met her sooner. He wanted things to be different. They were both just to stubborn to be on the same path.
     So here they were again, in different cities, on a different night, staring at their phones wondering what to say next that wasn't "I'm still madly in love with you. All I want is your body wrapped tightly around mine forever. Please come back." 
    The tears streaming down her face were large, wet and uncontrollable. She had gone through all the tissues and was about to be down a full roll of toilet paper. How can you possibly move on from the greatest thing you have ever known? She had tried. She thought she had it but she ended up so fixated on having true love again that she ignored all the signs. Every red flag waving directly in her face went completely unnoticed because all she wanted was to feel that magic again. It wasn't there and it didn't last. So the pain took over, yet again, twice as fiercely, with rage from being pushed aside. She couldn't make it stop. She tried everything. She knew to enjoy the little moments of happiness. She knew she had to embrace all of the things she had in her life that she genuinely was grateful for. So she did. Still, the pain remained, just under the surface, ready to overtake her body at any given time. It could be as simple as a song she had never heard, a sweatshirt he used to wear, pajama pants he used to take off of her. It could be as sad as the song he sent her when they first started dating, or a couple walking down the street that looked as happy as they once were. It didn't matter what it was. It didn't matter how it was triggered. The hurt remained the same and the tears overtook her. She had tried talking, alcohol and even marijuana, which had never been her thing, to change the outcome. Still it remained the same. Tears, followed by sobs, followed by I love you texts back and forth that didn't make either of them feel any better.

Suddenly, she dropped to her knees in prayer. Praying was not something she did often enough and dropping to her knees to pray was almost never. But tonight, in her complete despair, she knew there was only one way out... 

"I know you have a plan. I know there's someone out there for me but right now it feels like someone has ripped my heart from my chest. I cannot keep living like this. It has been months. I do not know how to move forward. Please, please, please please, help me. Help me break free from this pain and let go." 

She got back into bed and sobbed herself to sleep. The next morning, she woke up feeling a lightness that she hadn't felt in a very long time. The pain wasn't gone, but it wasn't overtaking her entire being anymore either. Her desperate plea had given her the strength to let go. God had given her the strength to let go. Today was a new day. A brand new chapter. Maybe even a brand new book. 

"It was time to let go." She thought to herself. " In fact, it's time to find myself."