Happy Ever For Now
She knew he was bad for her.Well no, she just knew that in the end her heart would be irreparably broken. She knew without question that he loved her now simply because he couldn't have her. She also knew that as time went by his old ways would come right back to the surface no matter how hard she tried or what she did.
Still, as his car came up the driveway, her heart started racing out of control. The urge to sprint down the stairs and outside into his arms was almost uncontrollable. So she took a deep breath and held it. It was windy and pouring rain. There was no power so the only thing lighting the house was a few candles. She made her way slowly down the stairs to unlock the door. She caught a glimpse of him as she turned to walk back up the stairs. "Holy fuck." She thought. "How did I ever manage to walk away from him? And for fucks sake, how am I ever going to do it again?"
He followed her up the stairs and into the bedroom without saying a word. The tension radiating between them hotter than the lightening lighting up the sky. She finally turned to face him as she sat down on the bed. She didn't quite hit the mattress as he picked her up and held her in a way that only he could. Her heart was beating out of her chest. Her mind overflowing with thoughts and feelings. The most prominent of them being "Love is so fucked up. My heart is a masochist."
They hugged for what felt like an eternity that was no where near long enough.
"Hi." he said in a breath that sounded like the only sigh of relief he had been able to expel in the months since they had been apart.
Her mantra from the past week forced itself into the front of her consciousness. "It's not real. You don't trust him. Nothing he says is true. He doesn't have real feelings." Yet the hopeless romantic buried deep inside of her was screaming at her to let it out. "He can love you! You can be the one for him! The one he changes for! The one he spends the rest of his life with! You can be the one!"
It was impossible to move or speak. Between the controversy of her own brain and the smell of his just washed skin she thought she might actually explode. "What the fuck?!?!" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"What?" he asked, knowing damn well exactly what she meant. She didn't respond. She just continued to look at him. "Listen, I just wanted to come here and say it to your face. That way you can look into my eyes and tell me you don't want me. That he's better. That you need him." he paused before he continued. "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I loved you the second you stepped out of your car in those black sparkly heels and walked over to me as though you had no idea how gorgeous you were. You stole my heart and you did not leave it when you took off that night. I know I can't just take my heart back. Honestly, I don't even want it. I just want a chance to prove to you that I deserve yours. Please."
She still couldn't speak. Even if she did there was no winning response to this. He was a smooth talker. He could get his way in just about any situation. He could convince anyone of anything. He did it all the time. But good Lord if she didn't want to just wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him so hard both of their heads would spin as fast as hers was right now. "Everyone is constantly saying to follow your heart but then when it comes down to the time to do that, they tell you to listen to you head so your heart doesn't get broken. Well, which is it people?! You can't do both!" she screamed at herself in her own thoughts. His please suddenly started echoing in her mind. The please of a child pleading for candy before bedtime. The please of a mother begging her children to settle down at 10:00PM right as she is about to lose her mind. Please. The please of a man wishing and hoping that the love of his life will give him one more chance.
"Say it again." she finally mustered enough breath to let out three words.
"I love you. I am in love with you. Can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence, reach for the stars, world series kind of in love with you."
"Ok." she replied.
"Ok?" he asked.
"I love you. I always have and you damn well know that. So ok." she said again in a tone that was anything but ok.
Suddenly his mouth was on hers. It was happening too quickly to stop it and she knew she didn't actually want it to. It was passionate, intense and full of sparks. Everything she had been missing for months.She had willed herself to forget there were even such incredible things in the world. Somehow though, he was her passion, her obsession, her key into the world of romanticized optimism. Even if it ended and tore her apart while breaking her heart into a billion pieces, every second would be worth it. In that moment she knew her heart had won. She knew that no matter what happened tomorrow or in 6 months or in 10 years the decision she made tonight would not be one to regret.
"Say it again." she said.
"I love you. I love you. I'm totally in love with you."
Just like that her happily ever for now had come true.
Still, as his car came up the driveway, her heart started racing out of control. The urge to sprint down the stairs and outside into his arms was almost uncontrollable. So she took a deep breath and held it. It was windy and pouring rain. There was no power so the only thing lighting the house was a few candles. She made her way slowly down the stairs to unlock the door. She caught a glimpse of him as she turned to walk back up the stairs. "Holy fuck." She thought. "How did I ever manage to walk away from him? And for fucks sake, how am I ever going to do it again?"
He followed her up the stairs and into the bedroom without saying a word. The tension radiating between them hotter than the lightening lighting up the sky. She finally turned to face him as she sat down on the bed. She didn't quite hit the mattress as he picked her up and held her in a way that only he could. Her heart was beating out of her chest. Her mind overflowing with thoughts and feelings. The most prominent of them being "Love is so fucked up. My heart is a masochist."
They hugged for what felt like an eternity that was no where near long enough.
"Hi." he said in a breath that sounded like the only sigh of relief he had been able to expel in the months since they had been apart.
Her mantra from the past week forced itself into the front of her consciousness. "It's not real. You don't trust him. Nothing he says is true. He doesn't have real feelings." Yet the hopeless romantic buried deep inside of her was screaming at her to let it out. "He can love you! You can be the one for him! The one he changes for! The one he spends the rest of his life with! You can be the one!"
It was impossible to move or speak. Between the controversy of her own brain and the smell of his just washed skin she thought she might actually explode. "What the fuck?!?!" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"What?" he asked, knowing damn well exactly what she meant. She didn't respond. She just continued to look at him. "Listen, I just wanted to come here and say it to your face. That way you can look into my eyes and tell me you don't want me. That he's better. That you need him." he paused before he continued. "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I loved you the second you stepped out of your car in those black sparkly heels and walked over to me as though you had no idea how gorgeous you were. You stole my heart and you did not leave it when you took off that night. I know I can't just take my heart back. Honestly, I don't even want it. I just want a chance to prove to you that I deserve yours. Please."
She still couldn't speak. Even if she did there was no winning response to this. He was a smooth talker. He could get his way in just about any situation. He could convince anyone of anything. He did it all the time. But good Lord if she didn't want to just wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him so hard both of their heads would spin as fast as hers was right now. "Everyone is constantly saying to follow your heart but then when it comes down to the time to do that, they tell you to listen to you head so your heart doesn't get broken. Well, which is it people?! You can't do both!" she screamed at herself in her own thoughts. His please suddenly started echoing in her mind. The please of a child pleading for candy before bedtime. The please of a mother begging her children to settle down at 10:00PM right as she is about to lose her mind. Please. The please of a man wishing and hoping that the love of his life will give him one more chance.
"Say it again." she finally mustered enough breath to let out three words.
"I love you. I am in love with you. Can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence, reach for the stars, world series kind of in love with you."
"Ok." she replied.
"Ok?" he asked.
"I love you. I always have and you damn well know that. So ok." she said again in a tone that was anything but ok.
Suddenly his mouth was on hers. It was happening too quickly to stop it and she knew she didn't actually want it to. It was passionate, intense and full of sparks. Everything she had been missing for months.She had willed herself to forget there were even such incredible things in the world. Somehow though, he was her passion, her obsession, her key into the world of romanticized optimism. Even if it ended and tore her apart while breaking her heart into a billion pieces, every second would be worth it. In that moment she knew her heart had won. She knew that no matter what happened tomorrow or in 6 months or in 10 years the decision she made tonight would not be one to regret.
"Say it again." she said.
"I love you. I love you. I'm totally in love with you."
Just like that her happily ever for now had come true.
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